Wordless Wednesday

Update

So, I've returned to blogging...again. I did not have the desire to blog for a long time. But with my grief, being worse than it has in a while, I've gotten the need to write again.
So what has happened since last time? I know there are some things I never even shared. Let me try and sum up our life briefly.

• We got pregnant last year in August 2012.
• We had our rainbow baby in April 2013...healthy as can be -- 9lbs 2 ounces and 21 inches long.
• Our rainbow's name is Graysen. Not spelled Grayson, Greyson...just Graysen. I guess that's a battle we will have the rest of his life.
• Lucas finished second grade and started in 3rd.
• Lucas does great in school but hates homework. I think that's a typical boy thing.
• Lucas takes private swimming lessons and LOVES it.
• Lucas was so afraid of getting his head under water but now you can't keep him out of the water.
• Lucas also has opened up about Noah since Graysen was born. He really talks about his feelings regarding Noah and his death and I think that's so good that he has, after two years, finally gotten to that point.
• We remodeled our bathroom over the winter. I absolutely LOVE it. It's so elegant (if I say so myself). We remodeled while I was pregnant, so I couldn't help with anything at all, since we were worried that we could harm the baby growing in me (after you had a loss you get very paranoid.)
• My hubby is doing great. Everything he does, he does great -- whether it's running his business, riding his bike or just taking care of us and our needs.
• My hubby started a Team Noah bicycling team in memory of our angel. We have some really great riders on our team. I love that we are doing this in his memory and that his legacy continues on.
• The team website is teamnoahfoundation.com. Please visit and come back :-)
• We still have our crazy dog, Pippa. She's a border collie so she has tons of energy.
• We've had her now for little over a year and she has come so far with her behavior.
• Lucas and I took her to puppy class and she listens so good. We still have a ways to go, but she's a good dog.

I think this is it for now. I'll try to keep you all updated a little more often.

Grief..I just want to punch you in the face

I've been struggling lately. I've been struggling a lot. Grief has snuck up on me again and totally taking a hold of me. I miss Noah. I miss him so, so much.
I don't know why I'm hurting so much. It's not like there's any milestones coming up or it's his "time of year". I've been doing so good for a while. Sure I've missed Noah and shed tears for him, but I've been able to live life and enjoy it. I'm still doing that, but I've just been down in the pits a lot and tears have come daily and so easily.
A lot might not know this. I keep this to myself (except for my hubby). I guess I don't want to bother anyone. And really, there's nothing "new" to report, because it's still the same. I miss him. I miss holding him. This morning while driving to work I thought of when I was holding him and for a second I felt him in my arms. It was amazing but it also freaked me out for a second.
Every time when I drive to work I go by the hospital where Noah was born. Normally I never think of the events that occurred there, cause he was only there the two days I was there and then he was transferred to his "permanent" home. But now when I go by the hospital I cry, I think back to the first time I layed eyes on him, our first consultations with doctors etc.
So I'm navigating this tough time with the help of my sweet husband. He's my rock. But I also picked up one of my grief books. I found a beautiful poem:

 

 

Do not stand

at my grave and weep

I am not there,

I do not sleep.

 

 

I am a thousand

winds that blow.

I am the diamond

glints on snow.

 

 

I am the sunlight

On the ripened grain.

I am the gentle Autumn's rain.

 

 

When you awaken

in the morning hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in

circled flight.

I am the soft stars

that shine at night.

 

 

Do not stand

at my grave and cry.

I am not there.

I did not die.

 

 

 

~ Hopi Prayer

13 Years Down!

Today is my wedding anniversary...13 years. Wow! That just makes me feel old to think of that I've been married that long. I got married young...I was only 22. Yep, I just gave away my age (I don't get why women can't say how old they are anyway). But really it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.
As a teenager I never thought I would get married or even have kids. I loved the few years I was single. They were great. But the day I met my husband all that changed in an instance. I fell madly in love. Only problem was that I had to leave four months after we met. Big bummer. We were apart for a year. This was before Skype and even when emailing wasn't very big yet. We communicated by phone and letters for that one year. After that one year I decided to leave everything I knew. My home, my country, my culture. I wanted to go be with this awesome guy.
After three months of living together we got married. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him again, so off to the court house we went. No big, white, poufy wedding dress. No church. No big party. Just me, my husband to be and his parents.
I've never regretted that decision. I mean how can I? He has given me everything I could ever ask for. A home to call ours, three beautiful boys and one crazy dog.
He not only takes care of my heart but also my family. I've never met anyone that works SO hard to provide for us.
We've had a lot of ups but just like any other couple also some downs. The biggest down was when our beautiful middle son died. Something like that can tear a couple apart. I can't lie. We struggled too. But we came out on top and stronger than ever. Our love survived the initial shock of saying goodbye to our son. Now we work together while grieving and mourning the life we should have had. We enjoy parenting the two beautiful boys we do get to snuggle and kiss on every day on this earth. They are our everything. My family is my everything. I get up every morning only to look forward to the evening when we are all together again and just being us.
So 13 years of crazy, beautiful craziness. Something I would do ALL over again if I was given the choice.
We always have talked about we wanted the BIG party with family and friends in Denmark. At first it was going to be our 10 year anniversary. Well that came and went (and I was also pregnant with our angel that year). We haven't really made any new goals. But who knows? I would love to renew my vows. Maybe in Denmark or maybe somewhere exotic. Until then I'll just continue breathing in this beautiful life of mine.

Love you sweetie cakes! (was that too cheesy for you? ;-)  ) 

Wordless Wednesday

Watch out!

Thanks so much for listening to me rant below. I appreciate it that there still are people who never will forget about Noah either. So thank you, thank you.
To lighten the mood a bit around here, why don't I share a couple of pics of Lucas's Halloween costume. This year was a challenging one. Or it was going to be. I always make Lucas's costume. I just enjoy it, and I think that my costumes are waay cuter than store bought ones :-) I hope Lucas will remember as an adult how his momma slaved and busted butt trying to get his costume done in time. 
So this year he wanted to be Sonic The Hedgehog. I found a neat tutorial online on how to make it. I thought to myself that it didn't look to hard....Boy, was I wrong or what? I was in the middle of coming up with a plan B on how to make this darn thing when Lucas told me :"I changed my mind". I told him that we already had bought the blue fabric to make Sonic and a Ninja in blue? Yes, he wanted to be a blue Ninja. Come to find out, after a little internet research, that there actually are all kinds of different colored Ninja's out there. Who would have known? So big relief from me...much more simplier to make a Ninja costume. And here is the end result. I wasn't too impressed with this years costume. I know I've done better in years past, but Lucas was happy and really..in the end that is all that matters.

 

 

 

 

Lucas wasn't too keen on having his pictures taken. As you can see in his eyes he wasn't feeling well at this point. Mean mommy...it was first afterwards I realized that something was up with him. We have now been home for days from school and work. It seems like the worst is behind him.

Thankful?

As Thanksgiving is approaching I'm thinking of what do I have to be grateful for...but I can also real quick mention what I'm not grateful for.
Yes, I have plenty to be grateful for. A beautiful LIVING son, an amazing husband, a house to call home, jobs to help pay our bills. Yes...that is absolutely something not to take for granted. But, then there is the big BUT....Everytime I think of what I'm grateful for I'm reminded of what I'm not grateful for. I'm not grateful for that I have a DEAD son. A son that I never got to bring him home from the hospital, that I will never watch taking his first steps or never watch him walk bare feet in the grass, he will never feel the sun on his face, watch the birds fly and sing....and I could go on, and go on and go on. I hate grief. I HATE missing my son.
You don't realize how much you take having healthy children for granted until you experience the loss of a child. I know I did! I was so unaware of what can go wrong during pregnancy when I was expecting my first.

Which reminds me of a quote from a book called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. This is a great book, really explains a lot of my feelings that are so hard to describe to others.

"I suppose I should say, "It's so unfair, but I don't wish other moms and babies harm." But oh, I do. I know it's not right and I don't want children to die, but I want those mothers to feel what I feel so I'm less isolated, so I'm not the only one. I am slightly disappoint when a healthy baby is born --they don't know how lucky they are. --Stephanie.

I can totally relate to that. When you hear someone complain about their child, you so wish they would know how lucky and blessed they are. How thankful they should be!

And you are so isolated when you are grieving. Everyone move on when your child does, but your world stops turning. And of course their lives should go on, but it's so hard to be left behind and you so wish that someone would grab you and help you. But walking the path of grief is very isolating, very lonely. I remember when I was expecting my sweet angel and when we found out that he was sick, there was a coworker of mine who was always very interested in hearing the latest. How my pregnancy was progressing, what the latest was that the doctors told us, how the prognosis was looking like for our angel. But after I returned to work, after my sweet angel passed and no longer was a person on this earth, this coworker of mine has not said a SINGLE word to me about my angel. No condolences, no nothing! And I know it's not because she's not a caring person, but I know she's uncomfortable and just don't know what to say. Or that she might upset me. Well, guess what? You can't upset a grieving mother or father, because we just don't forget that our child died. It always makes me warm and happy when someone asks me about my angel. It just makes my day!!

I know people might think that in x amount of time you should be "over it". That you should move on.

"While you may feel that you are successfully distracting yourself from grief, you are actually a prisoner of your grief. To free yourself, you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go around it, you just have to go through it. Remember that grief is not a sign of weakness, rather, it takes strenght and courage to acknowledge your emotions."

I'm now on year two of grieving. I think that year two is harder than the first year. I guess the initial shock has worn off and, now I'm living my life without my son. The life I had pictured us living as a family of four is still a life of just three people. I always say that the worst day of my life was not the day my son died, but the day that we found out about his heart. From that day on we knew he might be with us for a shorter amount of time than anticipated. It was always in the back of my mind that he might not make it. For crying out loud - he would require surgery...on his heart!! Not a walk in the park.

"While the death of a parent or friend represents a loss of your past, when your baby dies you lose a part of your future. You grieve not only for your baby, but for your parenthood. Times you had looked forward to --maternity leave, family gatherings and holidays -- can seem worthless or trivial without your baby."

This may sound like an angry post, but really...I just miss my son. I wanted him here with us with all my heart, hear him cry, to watch him grow, the opportunity to speak his name more...his beautiful name.

So this Thanksgiving I will try and stay positive, to be thankful, to be in the moment.