Going forward

Loosing Noah was like loosing a part of myself. Noah was so wanted and now we are left with such a void in our life. We had so much love for our first son, Lucas and when Noah arrived our love doubled, and we had plenty more to give away. We did get that beautiful moment of ten weeks of loving on our two sons. But now we are only left with such a void in our life.
No one will never understand this. No one will ever know what kind of pain grieving a child is really like. And it can't be explained. It's like explaining to a woman who is yet not a mother what unconditional love is. And like a good friend, Kim, of mine said that when people say to her ~ "I can't imagine what it's like loosing a child" (she also lost two sweet babies), she tells them that she hopes that they never will know what it feels like. What a perfect response. It's good you don't know what it feels like to have your heart shattered into a million pieces.
Now that I'm living this nightmare I'm trying to enjoy life again. I know Noah would want this for me.
Initially I was gonna close down this blog. This was when Noah was still in the hospital. I did not have any time for myself let alone blogging. And I knew when Noah came home that I would be a very busy mom of two.
But having said I've now choosen to keep it going. It's therapy for me to sit and write down my thoughts.
I've also tried to keep myself busy. I've had little things to look forward to and I'm trying to add new events to my social calendar.
After Noah passed away I started exercising again. I had not exercised once since Noah was born. I did not have the time, so I was logging around some extra baby pounds. Lucas learned to ride his bicycle without training wheels when Noah was hospitalized, so we have taken many family rides in the evening around town. It's been a lot of fun. But I started running. Yep, I'm running. And I'm enjoying it. When I'm out running it's just me and my thoughts. I've had some tears but also some smiles on my runs. My mind is thinking so much of Noah and our short but long journey we were on with him. I feel Noah with me so often and especially when I'm out running I feel him so much closer to me.
Sooooo...I've signed up to do my first official run. My first 5K. I'm running alongside my new friend, Patty. Patty was one of Noah's nurses, and we have a pretty special bond I would say.
Also other things I've done to deal with my grief is support I've gained from other moms going through the same thing. I HATE, absolutely HATE that we have this thing called grief in common. But I do love EVERY single friendship I've gained from this experience. Everyone I've met in the hospital to people that has been holding my hand since Noah has passed away has been so amazing to me.

So, I'll finish for now, but I'll be back. How often? I don't know. But I'll be back with a smile on my face :-)

I heart faces {Beautiful eyes}

It's been a while since I've entered a photo on I heart faces, but when I saw this week on my facebook newsfeed that this weeks theme was beautiful eyes I knew immediately what picture I wanted to submit.
I wanted to show off my sweet son, my sweet angel Noah. In this picture he was about 2 weeks old and had just gone through an open heart surgery. Noah was born with DiGeorge syndrome and his symptoms were congenital heart defect, cleft lip and palate and one kidney.
We didn't get to show off our Noah very much because he was in the ICU and he really needed the germs being kept away from him as much as possible. Therefore all I could do in the terms of sharing Noah was sharing pictures of him. I loved sharing him...I still do. I always heard that Noah's eyes looked like they had so much soul in them...so much wisdom.

RIP baby Noah 4/25/11 - 7/7/11





By the way...head on over and look at all the other beautiful entries posted..you won't regret it :-) www.iheartfaces.com

Yummy and cute!

How cute is this cupcake?? A coworker of mine bought them for my shower. I just had to take a picture of one of them.

Nostalgia

Right before Lucas turned one my mom sent us this animal train. It came with the numbers 1-6, so every year on his birthday we've had the animal train out. And every year I've taken a picture of him by it. This is the last year we could use it, so that's kinda sad that he has outgrown his animal train.


This weekend I've been busy cleaning up in my pictures. I've been so far behind in developing pictures (behind as in two years). It was supposed to be a winter project. That didn't happen, so I'm trying to get it done before the new baby comes, because I don't think I'll have much time for that right away. While working on my project I looked thru all Lucas's pics. And there was just so many I haven't looked at in so long, and these two just made me say "awww". He was sooo little. He's just a little over two years old in these pictures.
It was also cute looking at some old videos of him. So cute hearing how he sounded when he just learned to talk.

Monitoring

Today and until I have baby boy I start with weekly monitoring. I go to the perinatal center at the hospital for those. First they do a quick ultrasound. They check my fluids, check baby's heart, kidney, stomach and also how he's positioned. Everything there looked good. The technician took me to another room where they do the monitoring.
For any of you ladies who have been pregnant you know how you get two monitors on your belly when you are in labor. That's exactly what they did today. One monitor for the heart and one for contractions. I had to be monitored for about 30-40 minutes. They want to see the baby's heart rate go up and down. Just like ours do when we do something that makes our heart rate go up and then come back down.
When they first hooked me up, the baby's heart rate was pretty steady, not what they wanted to see. I was ordered to drink some water, and that got the baby going. His heart rate went anywhere from the 140's to 170. I probably sat there for about 30 minutes and I was free to go. Oh, and there was no contractions :-)


At work yesterday they threw me a baby shower. I've been eying up a jogging stroller, and they consulted with Dwayne (without my knowledge), and got the one I had been looking at. And it's awesome that it came with the car seat too, that way I can use the stroller right away.




It was a very nice surprise that I didn't expect at all. I also got a cute little outfit for the little man, and I got an outfit too. It's a perfect outfit for after I have the baby. Very casual but very comfy.
Great surprise!

Spring is here.

We had some gorgeous weather over the weekend. Dwayne wanted to participate in a crit race, which for you guys that don't know much about racing like me, is a bunch of bikers racing really fast on a one mile loop.
Dwayne wanted us to tag along. At first I was hestitating about going, because it's just more comfortable to stay home the bigger I get. But I decided that we should do something together as a family, and off we went. I'm so happy I went. It was so nice just to spend a day outside in the sun and relaxing in a lawn chair. I did go on a few walks to the restrooms and it's really amazing what warmer temperature and the sun can do for your spirit. I'm sure you all can agree with me on this one.

Just a few pictures from this weekend. I really like the picture I got of Dwayne racing.




Lucas had a blast while being out in the park and running and just playing. He did take a few breaks and chilled in his chair.



We watched Karate Kid over the weekend, and Lucas was all into doing karate moves.

NICU

Today hubby and I went to the hospital to get a tour of the NICU. We first met with a NICU doctor, who explained in details what their role is when I go into labor. We will have about four doctors/nurses present in the delivery room, and they'll be ready to stabilize the baby when he's born. We are not sure how much we'll get to bond with him when he arrives - it won't be much, because he will be going to the NICU to get monitored and checked out. Hubby will be able to go with him.
I sometimes forget that our baby is sick and will need help when he's born. It's hard to hear and I must admit that I teared up a little. I've been so positive, but hearing he will be getting an iv and possibly tubes etc. And he won't be able to eat right away either. He will be struggling as it is with his heart, so they are not gonna introduce eating to him until he is stable.
The NICU doctor told us something that we both will try and live by. He told us to remember to take care of ourselves during our stay with them. Don't worry about the monitors etc. To let them take care of that, and we need to take of bonding with our baby and being a family.

We also got to get a tour of the NICU. They have recently remodeled, and it looks super nice. We get a super nice private room. Hopefully we won't stay there very long :-)
One of the first things we saw, which happened to be in the hallway, was a bed which is used for transporting babies and it had all kinds of hook ups and medical equipment. Knowing that our baby will be transported in one of those when he needs to go for his heart surgery, well that was also upsetting to see. Knowing that some tiny little people needs so much medical care is just hard to see and think about. You expect to get a healthy baby, but unfortunately it's not like that for many parents. But like hubby said it's also very comforting knowing that it's there for the doctors to give our little baby the best medical care as needed.

Since we are very new to this hospital, I think both hubby and I are very at ease now knowing how we get to labor and delivery when that time comes. I know it's one of hubbys main concern.