Saturday, September 24, 2011

Going forward

Loosing Noah was like loosing a part of myself. Noah was so wanted and now we are left with such a void in our life. We had so much love for our first son, Lucas and when Noah arrived our love doubled, and we had plenty more to give away. We did get that beautiful moment of ten weeks of loving on our two sons. But now we are only left with such a void in our life.
No one will never understand this. No one will ever know what kind of pain grieving a child is really like. And it can't be explained. It's like explaining to a woman who is yet not a mother what unconditional love is. And like a good friend, Kim, of mine said that when people say to her ~ "I can't imagine what it's like loosing a child" (she also lost two sweet babies), she tells them that she hopes that they never will know what it feels like. What a perfect response. It's good you don't know what it feels like to have your heart shattered into a million pieces.
Now that I'm living this nightmare I'm trying to enjoy life again. I know Noah would want this for me.
Initially I was gonna close down this blog. This was when Noah was still in the hospital. I did not have any time for myself let alone blogging. And I knew when Noah came home that I would be a very busy mom of two.
But having said I've now choosen to keep it going. It's therapy for me to sit and write down my thoughts.
I've also tried to keep myself busy. I've had little things to look forward to and I'm trying to add new events to my social calendar.
After Noah passed away I started exercising again. I had not exercised once since Noah was born. I did not have the time, so I was logging around some extra baby pounds. Lucas learned to ride his bicycle without training wheels when Noah was hospitalized, so we have taken many family rides in the evening around town. It's been a lot of fun. But I started running. Yep, I'm running. And I'm enjoying it. When I'm out running it's just me and my thoughts. I've had some tears but also some smiles on my runs. My mind is thinking so much of Noah and our short but long journey we were on with him. I feel Noah with me so often and especially when I'm out running I feel him so much closer to me.
Sooooo...I've signed up to do my first official run. My first 5K. I'm running alongside my new friend, Patty. Patty was one of Noah's nurses, and we have a pretty special bond I would say.
Also other things I've done to deal with my grief is support I've gained from other moms going through the same thing. I HATE, absolutely HATE that we have this thing called grief in common. But I do love EVERY single friendship I've gained from this experience. Everyone I've met in the hospital to people that has been holding my hand since Noah has passed away has been so amazing to me.

So, I'll finish for now, but I'll be back. How often? I don't know. But I'll be back with a smile on my face :-)


JD said...

Many (((hugs))) coming your way! Good to see you blogging again!

sweet cheek's mom said...

i'm so glad to see you blogging and want you to keep up with it. it is good for memories too!
we are also running! caroline and i have our first 5K the beginning of november. keep it up!