Saturday, October 29, 2011

Noah's memorial ride

Noah's memorial ride was held September 25th. This all came about when Noah was still alive. Friends of ours wanted to help out knowing the medical bills that we would incur in the years to come with the multiple surgeries Noah would need and lack of income due to being with Noah at the hospital.
After Noah passed away they still wanted to do it and what an amazing group of friends we are blessed to have.
So much money was raised and we are so excited about not only helping us but also other families in the same situation as us. We are in the early planning stages of deciding how to use the money the best. We want to really make a difference. We want Noah to leave an even LARGER footprint on this earth than he has already done.

We are hoping we can make this ride an annual event. We want to keep Noah's memory alive. He fought so, so hard and we want to always celebrate him and his life. As short and intense our journey was with him it is one I or Dwayne wouldn't be without. He taught us so much and I can't say it enough. We are so thrilled that WE were picked to be HIS parents and what an honor it is to call Noah our child. We might not get to raise him, but we'll ALWAYS have two kids. Always.

The venue was amazing. Great food, music. So many people. Many I didn't even know. But we are forever grateful that so many came out to support US.

It was so hard to leave that night, because it was a great afternoon/evening in great company.


Noah was there too!




Noah's amazing dad and I.


I had just returned from the ride. I did the short loop of 12 miles. Majority did the 30+ mile loop. Such a handsome supporter :-)


One of Noah's amazing nurses that came that day. She was also there the night Noah passed away.


I got up and said thank you and telling everyone in the crowd how awesome Noah was/IS!

So there. A few pictures from a great, great day. Thanks to my dear friend, Karen who came all the way from Virginia to be with us. Thanks Karen for keeping an eye on Lucas and taking so many awesome pictures.

Such two simple words but they have such a huge meaning behind them. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Stealing this idea from a very dear friend :-)


What's in a name?

My inlaws were on vacation and came back with a couple of posters. One for Lucas and one for Noah. Each poster has their name on it.


L is for laughter, with much to spare
U is for unique, way beyond compare
C is for cuddly, in a teddy bear way
A is for ace, what more can you say
S is for superb, you're sure to agree

a special one is he
and sweet as can be


N is for noticeable, it's plain to see
O is for outgoing, and cute as can be
A is for awesome, tales to be told
H is for hero, courageous and bold

like a twinkle in his eye
he's sweet as apple pie

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Going forward

Loosing Noah was like loosing a part of myself. Noah was so wanted and now we are left with such a void in our life. We had so much love for our first son, Lucas and when Noah arrived our love doubled, and we had plenty more to give away. We did get that beautiful moment of ten weeks of loving on our two sons. But now we are only left with such a void in our life.
No one will never understand this. No one will ever know what kind of pain grieving a child is really like. And it can't be explained. It's like explaining to a woman who is yet not a mother what unconditional love is. And like a good friend, Kim, of mine said that when people say to her ~ "I can't imagine what it's like loosing a child" (she also lost two sweet babies), she tells them that she hopes that they never will know what it feels like. What a perfect response. It's good you don't know what it feels like to have your heart shattered into a million pieces.
Now that I'm living this nightmare I'm trying to enjoy life again. I know Noah would want this for me.
Initially I was gonna close down this blog. This was when Noah was still in the hospital. I did not have any time for myself let alone blogging. And I knew when Noah came home that I would be a very busy mom of two.
But having said I've now choosen to keep it going. It's therapy for me to sit and write down my thoughts.
I've also tried to keep myself busy. I've had little things to look forward to and I'm trying to add new events to my social calendar.
After Noah passed away I started exercising again. I had not exercised once since Noah was born. I did not have the time, so I was logging around some extra baby pounds. Lucas learned to ride his bicycle without training wheels when Noah was hospitalized, so we have taken many family rides in the evening around town. It's been a lot of fun. But I started running. Yep, I'm running. And I'm enjoying it. When I'm out running it's just me and my thoughts. I've had some tears but also some smiles on my runs. My mind is thinking so much of Noah and our short but long journey we were on with him. I feel Noah with me so often and especially when I'm out running I feel him so much closer to me.
Sooooo...I've signed up to do my first official run. My first 5K. I'm running alongside my new friend, Patty. Patty was one of Noah's nurses, and we have a pretty special bond I would say.
Also other things I've done to deal with my grief is support I've gained from other moms going through the same thing. I HATE, absolutely HATE that we have this thing called grief in common. But I do love EVERY single friendship I've gained from this experience. Everyone I've met in the hospital to people that has been holding my hand since Noah has passed away has been so amazing to me.

So, I'll finish for now, but I'll be back. How often? I don't know. But I'll be back with a smile on my face :-)

Monday, August 15, 2011

I heart faces {Beautiful eyes}

It's been a while since I've entered a photo on I heart faces, but when I saw this week on my facebook newsfeed that this weeks theme was beautiful eyes I knew immediately what picture I wanted to submit.
I wanted to show off my sweet son, my sweet angel Noah. In this picture he was about 2 weeks old and had just gone through an open heart surgery. Noah was born with DiGeorge syndrome and his symptoms were congenital heart defect, cleft lip and palate and one kidney.
We didn't get to show off our Noah very much because he was in the ICU and he really needed the germs being kept away from him as much as possible. Therefore all I could do in the terms of sharing Noah was sharing pictures of him. I loved sharing him...I still do. I always heard that Noah's eyes looked like they had so much soul in much wisdom.

RIP baby Noah 4/25/11 - 7/7/11


By the way...head on over and look at all the other beautiful entries won't regret it :-)

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Yummy and cute!

How cute is this cupcake?? A coworker of mine bought them for my shower. I just had to take a picture of one of them.

Sunday, April 03, 2011


Right before Lucas turned one my mom sent us this animal train. It came with the numbers 1-6, so every year on his birthday we've had the animal train out. And every year I've taken a picture of him by it. This is the last year we could use it, so that's kinda sad that he has outgrown his animal train.

This weekend I've been busy cleaning up in my pictures. I've been so far behind in developing pictures (behind as in two years). It was supposed to be a winter project. That didn't happen, so I'm trying to get it done before the new baby comes, because I don't think I'll have much time for that right away. While working on my project I looked thru all Lucas's pics. And there was just so many I haven't looked at in so long, and these two just made me say "awww". He was sooo little. He's just a little over two years old in these pictures.
It was also cute looking at some old videos of him. So cute hearing how he sounded when he just learned to talk.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Today and until I have baby boy I start with weekly monitoring. I go to the perinatal center at the hospital for those. First they do a quick ultrasound. They check my fluids, check baby's heart, kidney, stomach and also how he's positioned. Everything there looked good. The technician took me to another room where they do the monitoring.
For any of you ladies who have been pregnant you know how you get two monitors on your belly when you are in labor. That's exactly what they did today. One monitor for the heart and one for contractions. I had to be monitored for about 30-40 minutes. They want to see the baby's heart rate go up and down. Just like ours do when we do something that makes our heart rate go up and then come back down.
When they first hooked me up, the baby's heart rate was pretty steady, not what they wanted to see. I was ordered to drink some water, and that got the baby going. His heart rate went anywhere from the 140's to 170. I probably sat there for about 30 minutes and I was free to go. Oh, and there was no contractions :-)

At work yesterday they threw me a baby shower. I've been eying up a jogging stroller, and they consulted with Dwayne (without my knowledge), and got the one I had been looking at. And it's awesome that it came with the car seat too, that way I can use the stroller right away.

It was a very nice surprise that I didn't expect at all. I also got a cute little outfit for the little man, and I got an outfit too. It's a perfect outfit for after I have the baby. Very casual but very comfy.
Great surprise!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Spring is here.

We had some gorgeous weather over the weekend. Dwayne wanted to participate in a crit race, which for you guys that don't know much about racing like me, is a bunch of bikers racing really fast on a one mile loop.
Dwayne wanted us to tag along. At first I was hestitating about going, because it's just more comfortable to stay home the bigger I get. But I decided that we should do something together as a family, and off we went. I'm so happy I went. It was so nice just to spend a day outside in the sun and relaxing in a lawn chair. I did go on a few walks to the restrooms and it's really amazing what warmer temperature and the sun can do for your spirit. I'm sure you all can agree with me on this one.

Just a few pictures from this weekend. I really like the picture I got of Dwayne racing.

Lucas had a blast while being out in the park and running and just playing. He did take a few breaks and chilled in his chair.

We watched Karate Kid over the weekend, and Lucas was all into doing karate moves.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Today hubby and I went to the hospital to get a tour of the NICU. We first met with a NICU doctor, who explained in details what their role is when I go into labor. We will have about four doctors/nurses present in the delivery room, and they'll be ready to stabilize the baby when he's born. We are not sure how much we'll get to bond with him when he arrives - it won't be much, because he will be going to the NICU to get monitored and checked out. Hubby will be able to go with him.
I sometimes forget that our baby is sick and will need help when he's born. It's hard to hear and I must admit that I teared up a little. I've been so positive, but hearing he will be getting an iv and possibly tubes etc. And he won't be able to eat right away either. He will be struggling as it is with his heart, so they are not gonna introduce eating to him until he is stable.
The NICU doctor told us something that we both will try and live by. He told us to remember to take care of ourselves during our stay with them. Don't worry about the monitors etc. To let them take care of that, and we need to take of bonding with our baby and being a family.

We also got to get a tour of the NICU. They have recently remodeled, and it looks super nice. We get a super nice private room. Hopefully we won't stay there very long :-)
One of the first things we saw, which happened to be in the hallway, was a bed which is used for transporting babies and it had all kinds of hook ups and medical equipment. Knowing that our baby will be transported in one of those when he needs to go for his heart surgery, well that was also upsetting to see. Knowing that some tiny little people needs so much medical care is just hard to see and think about. You expect to get a healthy baby, but unfortunately it's not like that for many parents. But like hubby said it's also very comforting knowing that it's there for the doctors to give our little baby the best medical care as needed.

Since we are very new to this hospital, I think both hubby and I are very at ease now knowing how we get to labor and delivery when that time comes. I know it's one of hubbys main concern.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The big 6!

As promised a few pictures from the birthday boy's 6th birthday. He absolutely loved Chuck E Cheese. It was the first time celebrating a birthday somewhere besides home. We wanted to do something special for him before the baby arrives. And he picked the place himself. Unfortunately we didn't get a lot of rsvp's, which is quite frustrating when you pay per child at Chuck E Cheese.
Not too many kids showed but Lucas still had a blast. And it actually was quite nice with not such a big crowd, since Chuck E Cheese is already a mad house.

He loved the inflatable crown he got from Chuck E Cheese, and he wore it on and off pretty much the entire day following his party.

The last picture is from his actual birthday. He got a wii for Christmas, so he got a couple of new games. He absolutely love playing games. He got that from his daddy, because I sure get frustrated/bored with it very quickly. Can you tell he looks a litte excited?

Sunday, March 06, 2011

This and that.

Lucas had an awesome 6th birthday. I will share some pictures soon. I just can't believe he's already 6 years old. Time surely flies when you are having fun.
After a couple of weeks of break from doctor's appointments I have a busy couple of weeks coming up.
Tomorrow I go for a check up with the heart specialist. They will do an u/s to see how baby's heart is doing.
On Wednesday I go for another ultrasound but this time of the baby to see how he is growing. I'm hoping he's still growing good.
The following week I have a prenatal visit and we also have scheduled a tour of the NICU. Busy, busy...which makes time fly. I'm already 30 weeks. Wow!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

In two weeks..

my sweet "little" boy is turning six years old!!! How did that happen?? Time has sure flown by, and it has been a great ride so far.
Just a little mommy brag here. I can't believe how much he has learned the last six months. When he started Kindergarten he could barely any of his letters in the alphabet. It's not that we didn't practise with him, but it just didn't seem to click for him. He maybe knew a handful of letters.
Now, six months later, he knows his entire alphabet, almost count without help to 100, he can write small sentences and he can read small books with sight words that we bought for him. It's truly amazing. I'm so proud of him.
His strong subject is definitely math. But I guess the apple don't fall far from the tree, but math has always been my favorite subject. I never cared for English (or in my case, Danish). I always despised writing essays.
So here two weeks before his 6th birthday it's amazing to think of how much he has learned in his short life.
And he is pretty excited about his birthday. We are inviting the boys from his class for a party at chuck e cheese. That should be an experience in itself.
He's also wondered if he will be as tall as a kid from his class when he turns six. Wonder if he thinks when he wakes up on his birthday that he has grown a few extra inches? ;-)

Wednesday, February 09, 2011


Today we went for an ultrasound to see how baby boy is growing. He's growing great. He's about 2 lbs and 4 oz. He's in the 57th percentile for weight. That made me so happy. I want him to weigh as much as possible when he's born. Because the bigger he is the faster we can start the surgeries he needs.
I met the heart doctor a couple of days ago. He's still very positive that he sees the pulminary arterie which means baby should only need two surgeries. His first before he can go home. He will need a shunt put in which is gonna keep the blood flowing to his lungs until he gets bigger. He can get his 2nd surgery when he's 12-14 lbs, which is around 6-12 months of age. So the bigger he is at birth the faster he can get #2 surgery and get that out of the way.

A little picture of him and his chubby cheek. It does look like he's starting to add on the baby fat. (Click to enlarge picture.)

After our appointment at the hospital Dwayne and I went to Cotton Babies to look at their cloth diapers. I used cloth diapers with Lucas, but they have improved so much just over the last few years. I'm really excited about cloth diapering the new baby.

All in all a great day.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Winter weather

It seems like Lucas hasn't been in school at all this year. Actually I don't think he's had a full week of school. He's either been sick, had to leave school to get stitches, day off school or snow day. There has been several snow days. And he's pretty good about going outside to help Daddy shovel our driveway. Those two are even so nice, they will go to the neighbor across the street and shovel their driveway.

What I like to do on a snow day, when you are forced to be inside anyways, is making homemade bread. It's so yummy when it comes right out of the oven and then eat it along with some hot chocolate. It's almost a habit for us to do. And what's better for the boys then to come inside for warm bread and hot chocolate after being outside shoveling snow?

I can only recommend it :-)

Tuesday, February 01, 2011


What a month. The year didn't exactly start out that great for our little household.

Right before Christmas we had our big 20 week ultrasound. We were so excited to find out whether or not our unborn baby would be a boy or a girl. Big brother was hoping for a boy (which I guess is quite normal for a 5 yr old.) Dwayne and I just wanted that healthy baby. And I think every parent who's expecting a baby don't care what it will be as long as it's healthy. And you kind of expect that nothing will be wrong with your baby - you assume that your doctor will say, baby is doing good and it's a boy/girl. Yay, and you are on your way home. That is how our first ultrasound went with our firstborn, but unfortunately was not the way it went with our second.

My ob, who has an ultrasound machine in her office, began the scan and happened to first thing look at the baby's privates. My ob kept asking Lucas (who was with us for the big reveal) if he could see what it was. Neither him or daddy could tell, but I had no problem telling. It was for sure a boy, and as soon as my ob confirmed it he peed. I laughed! Already had a little attitude. He measured on the bigger scale and everything looked great until she kept looking at his face. She was telling us that it looked like he had a cleft. She wasn't sure though, because he had his hands in front of his face and at different angles it looked like there could be a cleft and at another angle it looked fine. She wanted us to get it checked out at our local hospital since they had a better ultrasound machine. She called the hospital right away to see if we could come over that afternoon, because like she put it so we didn't have to worry all thru the holidays whether or not the baby had a cleft or not. The hospital was not able to squeeze us in, and now looking back, thank goodness they couldn't, because what they would have told us would have destroyed the holidays for us.

I was at first ok if the baby had a cleft. Like our ob said if a baby has to have a birth defect this would be the best one to have. But when we came home, and I started to think about it I had a breakdown and started bawling. I called my mom and was very shook up. It was supposed to be such a joyous occasion to tell her whether or not it was a boy or girl, but instead she had to listen to me being all upset about a potential cleft. At that moment is seemed like the end of the world, but now I wish that is all the health issues the baby would ever have.

After letting it sink in I was ok with it. I had come to the terms that it was just cosmetic and it was fixable. We had a great Christmas and New Years and like I kept telling myself maybe the baby didn't even have the cleft, because my ob was doubting it herself.

We scheduled the ultrasound at the hospital after the holidays, January 5th. Lucas had to come with us that day. He had started getting a fever the day before in school, so he was not allowed to go to school the next day. Considering the news we would get at the hospital it would have been best if Lucas hadn't been with us, but we don't really have anybody to watch him if we need some help.

Dwayne and I both knew that something was terrible wrong. The ultrasound technician and the doctor kept looking at his heart. I kept thinking to myself that they should just move on because we were just there to find out about a potential cleft.
The doctor sat down after he was done scanning the baby, and I don't remember much of what he said. I remember him mentioning a heart defect and he confirmed the baby had a cleft lip and palate. He said that when they see several birth defects they are worried about a more serious problem that can't be detected on an ultrasound. He talked about everything from surgeries and the baby maybe not being able to live. I sat there in shock. I could hear Dwayne next to me crying very softly. The doctor left us to ourselves, so we could gather our thoughts. When he left all Dwayne said is that this is bad, this is very bad. I then started bawling like a baby. I could not stop. The doctor came back in and explained that he would like for us to come back and meet with a childrens heart specialist and also perform an amnio on the baby. We wanted to come back as soon as possible to get more answers. We got it scheduled that we could come back the next day.
After the terrible news I just wanted to get out of there. I wanted to go back to our comfort zone. The rest of that day all I did was cry. I would stop here and there, but I couldn't let my mind wander and I would cry. I slept terrible that night. I woke up crying several times. It's amazing how much love you have for this unborn child you are carrying.

Luckily the next day, January 6th, Lucas was able to return to school. He knew, we were going back to the hospital, and when we dropped him off at school he started crying. He said, he didn't want to go to school. I think, he was worried about us. He had seen how upset we had been all day, and I don't think he wanted to leave us.

We returned to the hospital, or what I like to refer to, the place who gave us those awful news. First we met with a genetic counselor. She was great. She explained everything about the amnio, what to expect, how the procedure works and what complications there could be. She gave us a little lecture about chromosomes. That was quite interesting. She said that just because the baby has a cleft and heart defect doesn't mean, he would have any other serious issues. In fact the mouth and heart was created from the same tissue - interesting. That was really uplifting for us to hear, a very positive conversation. We signed to have the amnio done (even though I was a nervous wreck about having a needle inserted into my belly with no numbing medication).

The amnio is a quick procedure. Only takes about a couple of minutes. After meeting with the counselor we were called back into the ultrasound room where we got the dreaded news the day before. The doctor came in (he was super cool, he liked my ugg boots- haha.) At first he just scanned to see how the baby was laying. He wanted to of course avoid hitting the baby with the needle. But he also preferred to avoid the placenta, even though he said it was ok if we had to go thru the placenta.
I did not look at anything they did after they had prepped me. They covered me up and painted me with something that would keep the germs away. Cannot remember what it's called. After that I closed my eyes and pretended to be on a beach with an ice cold beer. (It didn't work too well for me). What only helped a little was that Dwayne was right next to me squeezing and rubbing my hand. It hurt and I could feel the doctor turning that needle around to avoid baby and placenta. But they got what they needed, and the doctor missed the baby and placenta, so that was great.

I was told not to lift a finger the rest of the day. Just to go home and watch movies or read a good book, and I was ok to return to crazy life the next day. But before we went home we met the children's heart specialist. And what a great doctor he is. He scanned the baby and afterwards he took us into an office to talk with us. First he said that it was correct that the baby in fact did have a heart defect, but he then quickly added that we could breathe, because it was fixable. What a sigh of relief I think both Dwayne and I breathed. I wanted to jump up and hug him.
The problem with our baby is that his main arterie is there, but just very narrow and it should take two surgeries to fix it. He also explained, the probably very short version of, how the heart functions. He had a nice little picture he drew and wrote on. He however wanted us to come to his office, because he had an even better ultrasound machine that only looks at the heart and not the rest of the baby. He wanted to be sure of what he saw was accurate.

We left that day very positive. Positive that our baby could be "fixed", and all we had to wait for now for a couple of weeks was the results from the amnio.

A few days later, January 10th we went to the heart specialist's office. He did in fact confirm that the baby has the arterie, but it is just narrow. So the baby needs a surgery before he goes home. Dwayne and I thought he would be rushed off to surgery as soon as he would be born. Luckily we found out that that is not the case. After he is born the doctors stabilizes the baby. They can give him medicine which will keep his blood flowing. When he is stabilized we get to bond with him. Hold him, get to spend time with him. He stays with me until I'm discharged. After I'm discharged he goes to one of the best children's hospital in the country where he will have his first surgery. He will only have to stay in the hospital for a few days, and he gets to go home with us. His second and hopefully final heart surgery should occur before he's even 1 yr old.

We still have to meet with the plastic surgeon. I'm curious to hear how and when they will fix the baby's cleft and palate.

I've had to switch ob. Since I have to deliver at a different hospital with a better NICU, my own ob is out. I have to see a high risk ob. That stinks, I was really hoping my ob would deliver this baby as well. I've been with her for so many years, and now I have to get to know a new doctor. Oh well, whatever is best for the baby.

We'll also have more of an audience when the baby is born (oh joy). There has to be more specialists presents.

We got the results back from the amnio. Luckily the baby don't have down or any of the trisomies. He does however have a small deletion of his chromosome 22. This small deletion is the cause behind his cleft and heart defect. And that possibly the baby is also missing one of his kidneys (which we found out about at one of our recent ultrasounds). He could have other issues - medical but also learning disabilities. But we can't get more answers now until he is born and starts growing.

This whole pregnancy has all of sudden changed from a normal progressing pregnancy to a high risk pregnancy with tons of doctor appointments, ultrasounds, new doctors etc. But it is all so worth it for this little guy, who I feel kicking so much every single day. There is so many people who is rooting for this little guy, and that want him to do well and get better. I can't wait to meet him and hold him and tell him how much I love him. (But first he needs to fatten up so he's ready for his big challenge). But both Dwayne and I appreciate everyone thoughts and prayers. We are truly thankful!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

First purchase!

For baby boy #2. I really have everything saved from Lucas, so we don't really need anything major (or at least I don't think. I might change my mind when I start going thru everything). But I just had to check out the clearance clothes at Kohls, and I picked up these two items for about $7.
And I like to think that after two kids I'll still have a little foxy left in me. Oh, and can you tell I like the brown/orange combo?