Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Monday, May 28, 2012

Pajamas day

Noah's whole little life he didn't wear much clothes. My guess is the doctor/nurses didn't have time to mess with clothes. Believe me... they were occupied enough with diaper changes, check temperature every hour, give medicine, lab work, baths and etc. And that's just the normal routine. I think I summed up pretty much what a "boring" day consists of. It's a lot more work for them if Noah would have procedures, tests etc. So needless to say Noah was a pretty naked kid much of his life except for the occasional socks, which he always would figure out how to kick off. His wardrope pretty much consisted of a diaper.
Except for one weekend. One weekend I will forever, and I mean that....FOREVER will cherish SO much. That weekend my child, my baby didn't look nearly as sick. That weekend my little baby boy wore clothes for two days. The clothes hid the wires, stickers etc. which made my baby look like a normal baby.
The pictures below are taken exactly one year ago today. Yes, you might think not because of the date on his forehead, but those stickers would stay on him for a few days at times.
Yvonne, his nurse that weekend, had him all dressed when we came to see him on Saturday May 28th 2011. Yvonne was one of Noah's nurses who always came to check on him, even if Noah wasn't her "child" for the day. Yvonne also was the one to make sure he got a lot of time sitting in his bobby. A lot of time in the bobby was good for Noah's lungs. So even though you can't see the bobby, we used some hospital blankets to cover it with, he was sitting up like a big boy in the pictures below.

You might have seen the pictures before, but check him out again. How CUTE is he with his I love mommy pajamas?? This outfit was given to us from a dear friend of mine, Tracey. She sent me several outfits. This one is now hanging in a shadow box on the wall.
The next day Noah wore an outfit again. This time it was one of Lucas's pajamas. It was so neat an outfit that both of my boys wore.

Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Monday, May 07, 2012

10 months

Today is May 7th 2012. Today it's ten months ago that I held my child alive for the last time. Today is ten months ago when we told him it was ok to let go.
I can't believe that I'm typing this!! You never think bad stuff will happen to usually happens to your neighbor. I just can't believe that "my son is dead" would ever cross my lips, but now it has become normal for me to say. So surreal.
Every month on the 7th I think of Noah. (Well, I think of him every second of every day), but more so on the seventh. And it's become especially harder with the one year mark sneaking up on me.
I still remember the day as clearly as yesterday, but then again it seems like so many moons ago.

It aches psycially hurts to think back on that day. I'll never forget the last time Noah was layed in my arms. He was placed in my arms to die. Dwayne kneeled down in front of me and he slid his arms underneath him too. We both held him together. I sang to him, his favorite good night song, that I sang to him every day. I sang it if he got upset, if I wanted to tell him I loved him and when I left for the day. We prayed, we cried, we kissed him, rubbed noses, gave him gentle squeezes and told him over and over how much we loved him, how proud we were of him and lastly that it was ok to let go, and that we would love him the rest of our lives, he would ALWAYS and forever be our son, and we would never forget him. And repeat... until the doctor ever so quietly came in the room and declared him dead at 6:21 pm.


This picture is taking a year ago today of Noah. It's one of our favorites pictures we have of him. You can't see much of him except his eyes. And what beautiful eyes they are. I loved having eye contact with him while loving on him. This picture was taken one week after his surgery. We were still so full of hope, that he would be alright, and he was just moving in his own pace towards recovery.
The nurse had written I <3 mom because of Mother's Day. My first Mother's day as a mommy of two. It was so special and I'll never forget it. It's tucked away in my heart with so many beautiful memories.

Ok.. time to wipe away the tears and put on a smile for my Mr. Noah.

Thursday, May 03, 2012


Normally when we get home from school/work we take a break before homework. Today I wanted to do homework as soon as we got home, because Lucas needed to go to bed early, since he didn't get much sleep the night before.

Lucas was cranky and objecting big time to having to do homework. But he still went with me into the office. Dropped himself into Dwayne's office chair and was lounging on his Spongebob pillow. Didn't want to do any of his homework. I could tell he was tired. I bet if he had layed there for much longer he would have falled asleep. I let him sit for a few minutes and told him it was time to work on his spelling words for his usual Friday test.
As we were sitting and going over them out of no where he blurred out that one of his friends had been picked at at school today. By the way, I just love how kids will tell exactly what's on their mind. He went on that it was a second who had said some really mean things to his friend. He had used one of the words "stupid" to him, and his friend had told the 2nd grader that it was a mean word. The 2nd grader I guess was really sharp with his remarks and said that "no it's not. Go look up the word in the bad word dictonary". And then Lucas's friend broke down and cried.

Sigh! Why do kids have to be mean to each other? Bullying is something that really scares me. You hear so often in the news about kids being bullied and it's chilling to think about what these poor kids, who gets picked on, use an answer to get rid of their bullies. Lucas, gosh I love him, went on to tell me that they had went to a teacher and said what the bully had done. Lucas said he got in BIG trouble.

And sweet, sweet boy. And I had to hold my tears back, because just really touched my heart. He said that he tried to make his friend feel better. I asked him what he did and he said he gave him hugs. It still makes me weepy just typing it out. I thought that was so sweet of my son. Reminded me of the last time he was trying to cheer up a friend in class. A friend of his had a death in the family. And Lucas, knowing what this feels like, was offering hugs to make his friend feel better. After Lucas shared all this with me, I gave him a big hug and told him how happy he makes me for being such a sweet friend.
And I was also talking to him about how he should never let anyone get to him if someone would ever try to call him mean names. And Lucas said so sweet how his teacher had said it similiar "don't let it get to your heart". And that's exactly what I pray for for my son. I can't protect him, I wish I could. But I just hope it won't get to his heart.


After an emotional talk I looked at Lucas, and he just looked so darn cute, that I just had to take a picture of him. This will always remind me of our important talk.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012