Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Watch out!

Thanks so much for listening to me rant below. I appreciate it that there still are people who never will forget about Noah either. So thank you, thank you.
To lighten the mood a bit around here, why don't I share a couple of pics of Lucas's Halloween costume. This year was a challenging one. Or it was going to be. I always make Lucas's costume. I just enjoy it, and I think that my costumes are waay cuter than store bought ones :-) I hope Lucas will remember as an adult how his momma slaved and busted butt trying to get his costume done in time. 
So this year he wanted to be Sonic The Hedgehog. I found a neat tutorial online on how to make it. I thought to myself that it didn't look to hard....Boy, was I wrong or what? I was in the middle of coming up with a plan B on how to make this darn thing when Lucas told me :"I changed my mind". I told him that we already had bought the blue fabric to make Sonic and a Ninja in blue? Yes, he wanted to be a blue Ninja. Come to find out, after a little internet research, that there actually are all kinds of different colored Ninja's out there. Who would have known? So big relief from me...much more simplier to make a Ninja costume. And here is the end result. I wasn't too impressed with this years costume. I know I've done better in years past, but Lucas was happy and really..in the end that is all that matters.


Lucas wasn't too keen on having his pictures taken. As you can see in his eyes he wasn't feeling well at this point. Mean mommy...it was first afterwards I realized that something was up with him. We have now been home for days from school and work. It seems like the worst is behind him.


As Thanksgiving is approaching I'm thinking of what do I have to be grateful for...but I can also real quick mention what I'm not grateful for.
Yes, I have plenty to be grateful for. A beautiful LIVING son, an amazing husband, a house to call home, jobs to help pay our bills. Yes...that is absolutely something not to take for granted. But, then there is the big BUT....Everytime I think of what I'm grateful for I'm reminded of what I'm not grateful for. I'm not grateful for that I have a DEAD son. A son that I never got to bring him home from the hospital, that I will never watch taking his first steps or never watch him walk bare feet in the grass, he will never feel the sun on his face, watch the birds fly and sing....and I could go on, and go on and go on. I hate grief. I HATE missing my son.
You don't realize how much you take having healthy children for granted until you experience the loss of a child. I know I did! I was so unaware of what can go wrong during pregnancy when I was expecting my first.

Which reminds me of a quote from a book called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. This is a great book, really explains a lot of my feelings that are so hard to describe to others.

"I suppose I should say, "It's so unfair, but I don't wish other moms and babies harm." But oh, I do. I know it's not right and I don't want children to die, but I want those mothers to feel what I feel so I'm less isolated, so I'm not the only one. I am slightly disappoint when a healthy baby is born --they don't know how lucky they are. --Stephanie.

I can totally relate to that. When you hear someone complain about their child, you so wish they would know how lucky and blessed they are. How thankful they should be!

And you are so isolated when you are grieving. Everyone move on when your child does, but your world stops turning. And of course their lives should go on, but it's so hard to be left behind and you so wish that someone would grab you and help you. But walking the path of grief is very isolating, very lonely. I remember when I was expecting my sweet angel and when we found out that he was sick, there was a coworker of mine who was always very interested in hearing the latest. How my pregnancy was progressing, what the latest was that the doctors told us, how the prognosis was looking like for our angel. But after I returned to work, after my sweet angel passed and no longer was a person on this earth, this coworker of mine has not said a SINGLE word to me about my angel. No condolences, no nothing! And I know it's not because she's not a caring person, but I know she's uncomfortable and just don't know what to say. Or that she might upset me. Well, guess what? You can't upset a grieving mother or father, because we just don't forget that our child died. It always makes me warm and happy when someone asks me about my angel. It just makes my day!!

I know people might think that in x amount of time you should be "over it". That you should move on.

"While you may feel that you are successfully distracting yourself from grief, you are actually a prisoner of your grief. To free yourself, you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go around it, you just have to go through it. Remember that grief is not a sign of weakness, rather, it takes strenght and courage to acknowledge your emotions."

I'm now on year two of grieving. I think that year two is harder than the first year. I guess the initial shock has worn off and, now I'm living my life without my son. The life I had pictured us living as a family of four is still a life of just three people. I always say that the worst day of my life was not the day my son died, but the day that we found out about his heart. From that day on we knew he might be with us for a shorter amount of time than anticipated. It was always in the back of my mind that he might not make it. For crying out loud - he would require surgery...on his heart!! Not a walk in the park.

"While the death of a parent or friend represents a loss of your past, when your baby dies you lose a part of your future. You grieve not only for your baby, but for your parenthood. Times you had looked forward to --maternity leave, family gatherings and holidays -- can seem worthless or trivial without your baby."

This may sound like an angry post, but really...I just miss my son. I wanted him here with us with all my heart, hear him cry, to watch him grow, the opportunity to speak his name more...his beautiful name.

So this Thanksgiving I will try and stay positive, to be thankful, to be in the moment.