Aching

Some days are worse than others. Lately I've been really missing Noah. And I'm sitting and bawling, which I haven't done in a long, long time. I cry a lot, but bawling? That has been a while. I just can't believe it's been 14 months since the last time I held Noah. My sweet, precious Noah. I miss him so much. I try to describe what it feels like, but there just ain't no words. There is a hole in my heart, and I know it will never, ever go away.

Noah should be closer to the 18 months now. He should be walking around, probably falling down on his butt a lot. We should be telling him "to get up again". We should be constantly watching him, so he won't get into anything he shouldn't. Instead I'm talking into the air to him. Instead I'm watching a lot of sunrises and sunsets thinking that he's sending his love to us. Instead I'm watching the lone star in the sky knowing that's my Noah looking down upon us, watching us, protecting us.

When I really miss him I watch videos and pictures of him. That helps me. I've asked everyone I know, who's taken pictures of Noah, to please give me a copy. I'm still waiting for the pictures Dwayne's family took. I'm excited to see them. I've never seen the pictures they took. But I'm in no rush to get them. I will be a nice surprise, but it will also be the last time I'll ever see a new picture of Noah. Every single picture I got of him is etched in my memory. Some more than others. I still want to make a photo album of him and his short life.

I've never shared this picture before. This was taken when we were at the hospital where I delivered him. Noah stayed in the NICU while I recovered for the normal two days. He was stable, so there was no need to rush him to Children's hospital. He was just chilling and hanging out. Dwayne and Lucas was there on the second evening of Noah's life visiting us. Dwayne was so eager to see Noah that they quickly went to go see him before they came and got me. We had a really sweet nurse the couple of days we were there. She had mentioned the day before that when Lucas came back she wanted to take a picture of the brothers. So she did! She took two. She's also the one that wrote "brothers" on the picture. Even though the quality of the picture is not very good, I love it. My three boys. I miss having them all three together. I'm sure they would be soo rowdy.

 

 

And here is a picture we got from my in laws. I think this picture is so beautiful. Look at how Dwayne is looking at his son. The picture just says LOVE all over it. I loved that first week with Noah when we had plenty of opportunities to hold and cradle him. He was barely hooked up to anything. Just some medication to keep his PDA (hole in the heart all newborns are born with but closes soon after birth) open and some nutrition via IV.

 

 

So this is what has been going on a lot lately...grief. Something that is so hard to explain to someone who don't know the pain of loosing a child. I'm reading a great grief book right now that describes so many of the feelings and emotions you experience when you go thru a trauma like that of having a child die. I've marked down many things that I want to share here on the blog. But I know it's gonna be a lenghty entry and it will take me a while. And I also got to be in the right mindset to write it. But it's on my list to do.