Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thankful?

As Thanksgiving is approaching I'm thinking of what do I have to be grateful for...but I can also real quick mention what I'm not grateful for.
Yes, I have plenty to be grateful for. A beautiful LIVING son, an amazing husband, a house to call home, jobs to help pay our bills. Yes...that is absolutely something not to take for granted. But, then there is the big BUT....Everytime I think of what I'm grateful for I'm reminded of what I'm not grateful for. I'm not grateful for that I have a DEAD son. A son that I never got to bring him home from the hospital, that I will never watch taking his first steps or never watch him walk bare feet in the grass, he will never feel the sun on his face, watch the birds fly and sing....and I could go on, and go on and go on. I hate grief. I HATE missing my son.
You don't realize how much you take having healthy children for granted until you experience the loss of a child. I know I did! I was so unaware of what can go wrong during pregnancy when I was expecting my first.

Which reminds me of a quote from a book called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. This is a great book, really explains a lot of my feelings that are so hard to describe to others.

"I suppose I should say, "It's so unfair, but I don't wish other moms and babies harm." But oh, I do. I know it's not right and I don't want children to die, but I want those mothers to feel what I feel so I'm less isolated, so I'm not the only one. I am slightly disappoint when a healthy baby is born --they don't know how lucky they are. --Stephanie.

I can totally relate to that. When you hear someone complain about their child, you so wish they would know how lucky and blessed they are. How thankful they should be!

And you are so isolated when you are grieving. Everyone move on when your child does, but your world stops turning. And of course their lives should go on, but it's so hard to be left behind and you so wish that someone would grab you and help you. But walking the path of grief is very isolating, very lonely. I remember when I was expecting my sweet angel and when we found out that he was sick, there was a coworker of mine who was always very interested in hearing the latest. How my pregnancy was progressing, what the latest was that the doctors told us, how the prognosis was looking like for our angel. But after I returned to work, after my sweet angel passed and no longer was a person on this earth, this coworker of mine has not said a SINGLE word to me about my angel. No condolences, no nothing! And I know it's not because she's not a caring person, but I know she's uncomfortable and just don't know what to say. Or that she might upset me. Well, guess what? You can't upset a grieving mother or father, because we just don't forget that our child died. It always makes me warm and happy when someone asks me about my angel. It just makes my day!!

I know people might think that in x amount of time you should be "over it". That you should move on.

"While you may feel that you are successfully distracting yourself from grief, you are actually a prisoner of your grief. To free yourself, you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go around it, you just have to go through it. Remember that grief is not a sign of weakness, rather, it takes strenght and courage to acknowledge your emotions."

I'm now on year two of grieving. I think that year two is harder than the first year. I guess the initial shock has worn off and, now I'm living my life without my son. The life I had pictured us living as a family of four is still a life of just three people. I always say that the worst day of my life was not the day my son died, but the day that we found out about his heart. From that day on we knew he might be with us for a shorter amount of time than anticipated. It was always in the back of my mind that he might not make it. For crying out loud - he would require surgery...on his heart!! Not a walk in the park.

"While the death of a parent or friend represents a loss of your past, when your baby dies you lose a part of your future. You grieve not only for your baby, but for your parenthood. Times you had looked forward to --maternity leave, family gatherings and holidays -- can seem worthless or trivial without your baby."

This may sound like an angry post, but really...I just miss my son. I wanted him here with us with all my heart, hear him cry, to watch him grow, the opportunity to speak his name more...his beautiful name.

So this Thanksgiving I will try and stay positive, to be thankful, to be in the moment.


6 comments:

jcwhitney said...

I'm sorry the holidays are hard. I wish there was something that I could say or do to make it better. I know that there is nothing I can say or do.
I am sure Noah is always with you guys. Watching you all as you go through each day. Learning about what you like and don't like to do. Learning new things about his family.
Having Noah here physically would be such a joy. I don't understand why innocent and good people are taken from us so quickly. It's not fair and it just plain stinks!
That emptiness you feel is such a sad and hard feeling. It's a feeling that seems to never fully heal or go away.
You will always miss your baby. Some days will be better than others. To this day, I don't know how my grandparents kept it toether when my Aunt passed away. She was their youngest.
You guys are a strong family. I admire you all for that. Big Hugs my friend!

Anonymous said...

Bettina,

Ironically, I tried sending you a note a few minutes ago on facebook but your name wasn't popping up so I just sent to Dwayne. Then I thought I would check out your blog and saw this post. I was driving to visit my dad at Barnes today and drove through the park to avoid traffic. As I was driving, I passed the spot where we released the balloons to Noah and was remembering what a beautiful sight that was seeing all the balloons float together. Every time we drive in Forest Park, Madeleine mentions that is where we sent the balloons to Baby Noah. Just wanted to let you know that you and Noah are in our thoughts.

Erin

Heather said...

I wholeheartedly agree and feel everything you wrote here. I'm there with you, my friend...

Jenn said...

I totally & completely understand what you said & feel the same way about my Noah. Huge (((hugs))) This is a tough time of year.

JD said...

(((hugs))) Bettina! I think of you and Noah often.

sweet cheek's mom said...

what a great post, bettina, that really explains to me how you are feeling on a day to day basis. i am sorry you don't get to have that future with noah, all those amazing firsts that you should have had. i know you miss him terribly.