Wordless Wednesday

Update

So, I've returned to blogging...again. I did not have the desire to blog for a long time. But with my grief, being worse than it has in a while, I've gotten the need to write again.
So what has happened since last time? I know there are some things I never even shared. Let me try and sum up our life briefly.

• We got pregnant last year in August 2012.
• We had our rainbow baby in April 2013...healthy as can be -- 9lbs 2 ounces and 21 inches long.
• Our rainbow's name is Graysen. Not spelled Grayson, Greyson...just Graysen. I guess that's a battle we will have the rest of his life.
• Lucas finished second grade and started in 3rd.
• Lucas does great in school but hates homework. I think that's a typical boy thing.
• Lucas takes private swimming lessons and LOVES it.
• Lucas was so afraid of getting his head under water but now you can't keep him out of the water.
• Lucas also has opened up about Noah since Graysen was born. He really talks about his feelings regarding Noah and his death and I think that's so good that he has, after two years, finally gotten to that point.
• We remodeled our bathroom over the winter. I absolutely LOVE it. It's so elegant (if I say so myself). We remodeled while I was pregnant, so I couldn't help with anything at all, since we were worried that we could harm the baby growing in me (after you had a loss you get very paranoid.)
• My hubby is doing great. Everything he does, he does great -- whether it's running his business, riding his bike or just taking care of us and our needs.
• My hubby started a Team Noah bicycling team in memory of our angel. We have some really great riders on our team. I love that we are doing this in his memory and that his legacy continues on.
• The team website is teamnoahfoundation.com. Please visit and come back :-)
• We still have our crazy dog, Pippa. She's a border collie so she has tons of energy.
• We've had her now for little over a year and she has come so far with her behavior.
• Lucas and I took her to puppy class and she listens so good. We still have a ways to go, but she's a good dog.

I think this is it for now. I'll try to keep you all updated a little more often.

Grief..I just want to punch you in the face

I've been struggling lately. I've been struggling a lot. Grief has snuck up on me again and totally taking a hold of me. I miss Noah. I miss him so, so much.
I don't know why I'm hurting so much. It's not like there's any milestones coming up or it's his "time of year". I've been doing so good for a while. Sure I've missed Noah and shed tears for him, but I've been able to live life and enjoy it. I'm still doing that, but I've just been down in the pits a lot and tears have come daily and so easily.
A lot might not know this. I keep this to myself (except for my hubby). I guess I don't want to bother anyone. And really, there's nothing "new" to report, because it's still the same. I miss him. I miss holding him. This morning while driving to work I thought of when I was holding him and for a second I felt him in my arms. It was amazing but it also freaked me out for a second.
Every time when I drive to work I go by the hospital where Noah was born. Normally I never think of the events that occurred there, cause he was only there the two days I was there and then he was transferred to his "permanent" home. But now when I go by the hospital I cry, I think back to the first time I layed eyes on him, our first consultations with doctors etc.
So I'm navigating this tough time with the help of my sweet husband. He's my rock. But I also picked up one of my grief books. I found a beautiful poem:

 

 

Do not stand

at my grave and weep

I am not there,

I do not sleep.

 

 

I am a thousand

winds that blow.

I am the diamond

glints on snow.

 

 

I am the sunlight

On the ripened grain.

I am the gentle Autumn's rain.

 

 

When you awaken

in the morning hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in

circled flight.

I am the soft stars

that shine at night.

 

 

Do not stand

at my grave and cry.

I am not there.

I did not die.

 

 

 

~ Hopi Prayer

13 Years Down!

Today is my wedding anniversary...13 years. Wow! That just makes me feel old to think of that I've been married that long. I got married young...I was only 22. Yep, I just gave away my age (I don't get why women can't say how old they are anyway). But really it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.
As a teenager I never thought I would get married or even have kids. I loved the few years I was single. They were great. But the day I met my husband all that changed in an instance. I fell madly in love. Only problem was that I had to leave four months after we met. Big bummer. We were apart for a year. This was before Skype and even when emailing wasn't very big yet. We communicated by phone and letters for that one year. After that one year I decided to leave everything I knew. My home, my country, my culture. I wanted to go be with this awesome guy.
After three months of living together we got married. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him again, so off to the court house we went. No big, white, poufy wedding dress. No church. No big party. Just me, my husband to be and his parents.
I've never regretted that decision. I mean how can I? He has given me everything I could ever ask for. A home to call ours, three beautiful boys and one crazy dog.
He not only takes care of my heart but also my family. I've never met anyone that works SO hard to provide for us.
We've had a lot of ups but just like any other couple also some downs. The biggest down was when our beautiful middle son died. Something like that can tear a couple apart. I can't lie. We struggled too. But we came out on top and stronger than ever. Our love survived the initial shock of saying goodbye to our son. Now we work together while grieving and mourning the life we should have had. We enjoy parenting the two beautiful boys we do get to snuggle and kiss on every day on this earth. They are our everything. My family is my everything. I get up every morning only to look forward to the evening when we are all together again and just being us.
So 13 years of crazy, beautiful craziness. Something I would do ALL over again if I was given the choice.
We always have talked about we wanted the BIG party with family and friends in Denmark. At first it was going to be our 10 year anniversary. Well that came and went (and I was also pregnant with our angel that year). We haven't really made any new goals. But who knows? I would love to renew my vows. Maybe in Denmark or maybe somewhere exotic. Until then I'll just continue breathing in this beautiful life of mine.

Love you sweetie cakes! (was that too cheesy for you? ;-)  )