Sunday, April 15, 2012

Jena's story!

I met Jena's mom through an online support group. Actually I've met so many people through the internet, who has been an incredible support.
Jena is the first angel I'm sharing who was stillborn. Such a sad story that should have had a happy ending.
Jena will be forever missed!

Jena Rose Pepper

I was 20 weeks pregnant and just coming from the OB/Gyn office for the big ultrasound that told us we were having a girl! We were so excited! I always wanted a little girl to dress up with pretty pink dresses and bows…The ultra sound technician mentioned that my cervical length was shortening which meant the weight of the baby was causing the opening of my cervix to painlessly dilate. I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. To effectively remedy the situation, a cervical stitch would need to be surgically placed to tie the cervix together. I had a horrible feeling that something “just wasn’t right”…My OB was dead set against putting the stitch in and said that he would just watch the cervical length by ultrasound. I was so angry! Here I was, half way through my pregnancy and I just knew that something was wrong. I had this horrible feeling that my cervix would give way and I would deliver my baby girl prematurely and that she would die!
That week I felt tired and out of sorts. I remember it so vividly. I had that haunting feeling that only a Mother could have, knowing that something bad was going to happen. I asked my husband Brian to go into work late because I just didn’t feel well. He stayed home with me that morning and stayed in bed with me. He got up to get ready for work. I kissed him goodbye and as he walked towards the door, I walked to the bathroom. I heard Brian shut the door and I climbed back in bed. As soon as I climbed back into bed a very large “swoosh” of water poured out of me! I thought, “no way could this just be urine”. I knew what had happened! My cervix gave way and I was painlessly starting labor…My water had broke!
I was only 20 weeks! It was too early. If I had Jena now she would surely die! I started screaming so loud. Brian heard me out in the garage and came rushing in. I called my OB office and told them trying what had happened trying to hold back the screams. We rushed to labor and delivery triage and I was put in a labor and delivery room. It was confirmed that my water had broke. I was placed on heavy antibiotics because once an amniotic sac breaks risk of infection runs high. We could do nothing. We waited!
Twenty long days passed and we thought we were in the clear. We thought we could get Jena big enough to survive on the outside. I will never forget how scared I was. I was so angry at my OB! If he had only given me the cervical stitch, my baby would be safe inside my womb growing for many more weeks. On March 1, 2008 at 22 weeks I went into active labor after sitting in the hospital for 20 long days trying to prevent infection. I begged God to save her! I pleaded, “ God please, I stayed in the hospital bed, and I even used the bed pan, please acknowledge this…please know that I want her more than anything”…The contractions were so painful. I couldn’t help but scream. It was the worst pain I have ever felt.
The pain out of nowhere stopped. The OB then gave me an ultrasound. No heartbeat was found! Jena pressed against her umbilical cord and because there was no amniotic fluid, she pressed against her lifeline. Jena Rose was delivered “still” on that cold and gray morning.
I remember wanting to die. Holding my baby dead was the most horrid thing! I felt as if everything was surreal. The next morning, Brian and I drove away from the hospital in silence. We went home to a quiet house. No joy of a new baby…Nothing! I stayed in bed for weeks as my breast milk came in and sobbed. I felt so alone. I thought that this couldn’t possibly happen to anyone else. I was angry. I hated life. I hated God! Why did he allow this to happen? I someday hope I will find out. I have so many questions for God. I just don’t understand why so many women who don’t necessarily “want” babies get them and why there are some women like me, who walk away with nothing…
Six months later after a very severe bout of depression. I became pregnant again. This time, my OB placed a cervical stitch and my baby boy stayed inside growing! It was a nerve wracking pregnancy, but Blake Matthew Pepper was born healthy on July 23, 2009! I can’t imagine my life without him! I miss my Jena Rose everyday and she will always be part of my family. I only hope to be able to see her again one day! I will never forget her EVER!

There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world


Jane L. said...

God bless Jena's mommy.. such a strong lady! Women like you are so amazingly inspiring!! <3

Tera said...

Thanks Jane...and much love to you, Bettina for sharing my Jena!

Bettina said...

<3 sweet Jena. Xoxo.