Friday, April 27, 2012

Little steps

It's amazing how much stuff you get ready when you are expecting a little bundle of joy. When we were waiting for Lucas to arrive back in 2005, we had so much stuff to get. Clothes, bed, changing table and the list goes on. We had a couple of baby showers which helped us out tremendously. We also got some hand me down items (love them). When we were waiting for Noah to arrive we again had to get a ton of stuff ready. This time we had kept everything from Lucas. I didn't really go out and buy a whole lot of stuff. I found a few cute outfits on clearance, that I just couldn't resist buying. And then I bought the "coming home" outfit from the hospital. I actually bought two. Same outfit, but just two different just depended on how big he was when he was born. We were so positive that, just like the cardiologist told us, he would be home within a week or so from the hospital. We had dug out all the little baby clothes. Washed it, and put it in the closet. Dwayne found the little bassinet he would sleep in when he would be released from the hospital.

Noah wore two outfits his whole ten weeks of life. He always had a blanket with him. It never left him any longer than a few hours. (That's when I had to take it home to wash it. I was the day shift and Dwayne the evening shift). He also wore a few socks, but often the nurses took them off of him. So I didn't bother with that too much. Maybe I should have, gosh...there are so many things I wished I would have. But my mind was a fog while he was hospitalized. Things that I would have done now, now that I can think clearer, but I just couldn't do when he was alive.


{This is Noah with his beloved blanket. A dear friend of mine helped me with embroidering it. This picture is actually taken when he was on ECMO. I haven't shared pictures of him on ECMO. But in this picture you can't see his open chest. Hidden nicely with his blanket.}

And then he died. So many things had to be put away. But guess what?? I haven't even done half of it. The first thing I did was put away the breast pump. My little friend who I was so close with for twelve weeks or so). Next thing I did was empty my hospital bag. This was the bag that I carried back and forth every day to Children's hospital. In there I had my video camera, my camera, crayons, coloring books, my knitting. (I started knitting a hat for him that I was gonna use for his newborn pictures. I began this project when I had to take my three hour glucose test. The hat is still not done). I had other reading material in there. Topics about his heart, procedures, medical treatments etc. Dwayne and I did a lot of reading, so when we talked to the doctors we were a little more educated. Just a simple thing as how the human heart works, I had no clue. I had no knowledge about the chambers, oxygenated blood etc. before Noah's condition. The bag was hard to empty. I think I did that in the fall, about two months after his death, and boy was that hard. I remember I cried so hard that I curled up in a ball on my bed. There was so many memories in this bag.

Next thing, which I just did in 2012 was removing the maternity clothes from my closet. That wasn't too bad. I handled that ok. But that has been it. His clothes is still in the closet. We don't need the room, so there isn't any rush removing it. I'm sure one day, out of the blue, I'll be ready and want to box it up.

Today I took another little step. I took out my earrings. You are probably thinking "your earrings?". Yes. I've worn the same earrings for a whole year new. On Easter Sunday 2011 I put in a gold pair of earrings that Dwayne got me many years ago. And the evening on Easter is when my water broke, so the earrings were still in. When Noah got transferred to Children's I decided to keep the earrings in until he was released. I don't know if I thought they brought good luck, but for some reason I felt supersticious and couldn't take them out. After he passed away I decided that I would keep them in the remainder of 2012. I kinda wanted to wrap up the year, Noah's year, with the earrings in. January came and my earrings were still in. I thought about changing them but just never did. Not until today. I was getting ready for Lucas's field trip to the zoo. I had taken the day off work so I could tag along. I had gotten Lucas on the bus and I had an hour or so before I had to meet him and his class at the zoo. And out of no where a little voice said to me..."change the earrings" and I did! I thought the day I was gonna change them out might be a little sad. But no. I was ready. steps...and who cares how long it will take? It will get done...and in my pace.


Kim said...

So proud of you for honoring your own pace and timing. It's so easy to feel like things "should" be done a certain way or at a cretain time. I packed away all of R's stuff pretty much the day we came home without him. I couldnt' handle sleeping in the room where all his stuff was without him there. I think peace comes in doing it how it feels right for you. <3 you, beautiful momma.

Sarah Barnfield said...

I DO relate in so many ways. It's all about the strength within to do things as we each need them handled according to our heart. Love you & love that you write & share everything w/ all of us. Keep living & loving Noah & making him so proud of his very awesome Mommy!

Still Playing School said...

So beautiful. Love to you!

Jenn said...

Hi Bettina, I found your blog through Devany. I am so sorry about the loss of your precious son Noah. I lost my son Noah from Trisomy 13. You Noah is so beautiful and his cleft looks just like my Noah's!! <3

I just wanted to share with you that there are still steps I haven't taken and it's been 21 months since my Noah died. I did a whole room for him even though I knew he probably wouldn't come home. I placed his things that he wore and used in the crib and that the times I take them out to look is where they still are except for at them. I have since had a rainbow baby and ya know what, she sleeps in our room because I am not ready to reorganize Noah's things. I know a lot of people look down on me for how I've walked this journey, but oh well. You are right, things are done at our pace, in our time. There is no right or wrong on the grief journey. {{{hugs}}}

Jenn said...

yikes my computer keyboard mixed up my one sentence as I posted, sorry. It should've said I placed his things that he wore and use in the crib and that's where they are except for the times I take them out to look at his things.

Heather said...

Much love sent your way, my sweet friend!!

sweet cheek's mom said...

i love so many things about this post. i love how you share so much about Noah with us. i love how you are taking your own time with healing. you are brave and strong.