Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Grief..I just want to punch you in the face

I've been struggling lately. I've been struggling a lot. Grief has snuck up on me again and totally taking a hold of me. I miss Noah. I miss him so, so much.
I don't know why I'm hurting so much. It's not like there's any milestones coming up or it's his "time of year". I've been doing so good for a while. Sure I've missed Noah and shed tears for him, but I've been able to live life and enjoy it. I'm still doing that, but I've just been down in the pits a lot and tears have come daily and so easily.
A lot might not know this. I keep this to myself (except for my hubby). I guess I don't want to bother anyone. And really, there's nothing "new" to report, because it's still the same. I miss him. I miss holding him. This morning while driving to work I thought of when I was holding him and for a second I felt him in my arms. It was amazing but it also freaked me out for a second.
Every time when I drive to work I go by the hospital where Noah was born. Normally I never think of the events that occurred there, cause he was only there the two days I was there and then he was transferred to his "permanent" home. But now when I go by the hospital I cry, I think back to the first time I layed eyes on him, our first consultations with doctors etc.
So I'm navigating this tough time with the help of my sweet husband. He's my rock. But I also picked up one of my grief books. I found a beautiful poem:

Do not stand
at my grave and weep
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand
winds that blow.
I am the diamond
glints on snow.
I am the sunlight
On the ripened grain.
I am the gentle Autumn's rain.
When you awaken
in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in
circled flight.
I am the soft stars
that shine at night.
Do not stand
at my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.
~ Hopi Prayer


Jenn @Treasuring Lifes Blessings said...

(((hugs))) I can relate, I've been feeling the grief heavier right now. The change in season to cooler weather seems to add to it all. Thank you for sharing the poem!

Lynne said...

(((hugs))) from what I understand it really never goes away. It's called mother's love. I know after 9 1/2 years I still get that feeling of overwhelming grief at time.

Kim said...

I'm always surprised when those waves of grief come out of nowhere, and they are so rarely when you "expect" them; anniversaries, etc. Sending lots of love, and missing Noah with you. <3